The Pains of Self Improvement

These notes don't usually come off the cuff. I will tell you what I'm talking about. Sometimes I sit down to stare at the blank sheet and think to myself, "I'm about to tell some real shit that no one has ever said before. I'm going to change the world --make some REAL emotional impact." Then the excitement passes and then I realize to myself that I'm just like everyone else. 

No. Worse. I'm sitting wasting my time. 

I don't have any animosity towards go-getters, but I, for one, enjoy a nice lengthy sit on my cushy ass while I turn on some Netflix, or binge out on Game of Thrones or Rick & Morty. If this isn't how life is supposed to play out, then just end it for me and try not to scatter the remains over the tile floor. Am I being pessimistic? Who knows? But I have a right to live my life the way I want to. 

This world is raging over how it should carry itself into the future. People are breaking at the seems, tearing each other apart because they can't express how they emotionally feel to one another. "I don't care to converse in a quiet setting. Just give me a beer, turn on the game, as I'm on Instagram getting some vindication." It's not like we don't have the means to make each other happy --I mean, we are constantly connected through these electronic ecosystems. 

This gets heavy for me as a new dad; the loneliness sometimes becomes so thick, that if I shout out to myself, I'd doubt that anyone really would hear me. The irony is that I have the power to switch on my smartphone, point the camera, and hit LIVE to reach an audience of 100+ people in the first 5 to 10 minutes. Do I even know that many people personally in real life?

This method of trying to leave gems behind hoping that someone will crack the code is something of a farce, because it shouldn't be this difficult. And sometimes I can feel myself breaking from the inside --or feeling like my body might collapse on itself or melt into its own fat. I've lost the motivation to exercise consistently. And while living in California's finest city would warrant wanting to live your most physically fit life, I am content with ordering some carne asada fries. 

But I'm not self loathing if that is what you're thinking. Don't judge me --I'm not asking for a pity party. In fact, I feel like I want people to keep badgering me about the wellness of a sugar free diet, or the intestinal benefits of avoiding all beef and pork. I want to see there face twist when I tell them that I don't give a shit about any of it. "I just choose not to participate in the program."

Suppose I am a sadist that enjoys inflicting pain on myself. But I don't agree with that logic either. I wish no pain or punishment on anyone, and most of all myself. I think it comes down to leaving me alone and dealing with limited expectations. I'm just looking for a little transitional peace in my life. I just want to ease into the suffering of personal development, at least until I've figured out what type of life I'm about to leave for my own son.


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