#45 Why So Angry? Podcast: Living Without Crowds, Theater, and Live Events


Rewards come in the form of the things we didn't realize existed until they are gone. Our relationship to community and social gatherings is complex, perhaps at times toxic or distracting, but never unnecessary. Some of our touchstones in culture are grounded in the ability to enjoy them together. Art, entertainment, civil discourse are part of mediums that engage and compel us for higher levels of thinking -- to do so in isolation is to miss the bigger opportunity. Let's talk it out.

TV, Tech & Topics: Ozark season 3, The Expanse season 5
Visit Jonathan's YouTube collaboration 
Team Player Select Youtube Channel
The Glitch Music's SoundCloud.


Jonathan IG: @jmhart1981
Twitter/IG: @AlexAntonio0
Instagram: @WhySoAngryPod
Drum Solo by @jesse__giovanni
Outro Music by @theglitchmusic

#44 Why So Angry? Podcast: Living with Compassionate People, Netflix and the Queen's Gambit


Compassion and empathy are in short supply in today's climate. This year has put us all to the test in trying to understand one another when approaching different sides of a topic or putting it simply, just to be a good friend. We are all going through something! So how do we cope and be there to support one another when all the expert opinions tell us that a strong support system is needed to get through these tough waters of social isolation. Our Co-host today gives us his take on how he stays present for others and ways that he's able to refill his well to avoid burn out. In this episode, we go deep again. Hopefully, we pull out some gems for you to enjoy! Listen in!

TV, Tech & Topics: Netflix deploys Audio Only Feature; HBO Max's I May Destroy You; Neflix's Queen's Gambit


Floating Junk Around Us

Seeing the movie Gravity for the first time was an amazing experience. It was a Friday night in woodland hills and David was about to meet his good friend Christina. They met in the parking lot outside of the AMC and decided it would be fun to smoke a bowl before going in.

“I haven’t smoked in such a long time.” Christina was a friend, but not in the traditional sense of how hanging out with friends led to expectations onto their poor backs. No. Christina existed in a circle of friends where they spend weekends partying in a couple of Pasadena and Alhambra night clubs -- hoping to find that little sweet time that will make the entire shitty week at our jobs worth it. 

“I just want to feel like I’m in space.” David didn’t know what he was talking about after his first pull, but he knew, in about twenty minutes, he was going to be put on the edge of his $20-a-ticket recliner leather seat. The CGI was incredible and all he could think about was how hot Sandra Bullock looked in her dark green spandex floating in zero gravity. The movie was an incredible thing because it made David think about what it meant to be human, especially one that existed in an extremely alien and incredibly hostile environment. The movie displayed a scary attention to detail that had his 29-year-old, heavily under the influenced self stuck without even a water bottle to ease the suffering of dry cotton mouth.

    After they finished the movie they stumbled out of the theater –it was past 1AM. There was fog in the air from the California winter breeze. David's car was covered in fresh due. They both laughed about this feeling as if they were hanging above the Earth’s ozone, literally flying through orbit. “Did she really ride a fire extinguisher home?” Christina puffed out a plumb of smoke from fresh bowl David just packed when they returned to the car. That was the part that brought David out of the movie, but he stopped caring about that. In fact, he didn’t pay too much mind to what existed beyond that point, only that he was with a good friend at that moment in time. 

    “I know. After watching that movie, no air, no sound, it's almost as if we were under water the whole time.” David started feeling confident in himself. “Like compressed you know. Does it feel more scary to you, to be underwater? Like, you’re trapped in there and no one can hear you scream.”

    “Well you can’t be in too much trouble with a fire extinguisher.” Christina had a sarcastic sense of humor that David always enjoyed. She just didn’t care and his attempt at showing some sense didn’t change that for a second. “It’s just crazy to think about all that stuff that floats above us.”

    “What do you mean?” David asked.

    “Those satellite thingies that orbit the earth. Its crazy how they circle us. Right now at this very moment.”

    David's head was getting heavy. He wanted to go home –to a small room he was renting in a house in Winnetka. “Yeah, that’s what satellites do. Right? Haven’t you seen a single spy movie?” 

Christina wasn’t really staring at David at this point. She just sat there in the passenger seat –twisting her dark hair between her fingertips –just staring out the moon roof right into the night sky. “We all depend on those things, huh? Just floating up there, around us like some communications wizard.” 

“I think I about lost you at this point.”

“Look at us. Some fragile creature needing all this…this…floating junk around us –crashing into each other.”

Crashing into Earth, that’s all David really saw in it. But he didn’t want to be a downer about the whole existential thing. Its like were some catalyst for destruction, like some flying missile into a stream of helplessly orbiting satellites. All that crap doesn’t really matter to him right now. David just started to notice Christina in a whole new and refreshing light –a shade of excitement from this new possible emotion. He knew socially it would be disruptive to his circles socially if they got involved, but the primitive thrill was too tempting to ignore. 

The end of the night came at around 3am in the morning. They let their heads clear and sober by the time Christina said she was leaving. They had a good conversation, about life and tragedy –maybe even an embarrassing moment or two. 

“Do you need me to walk you to your car?” David tried to pull up as close as he can. 

“No I’m alright. Don’t want you to get cold.”

“What are you doing next Saturday?”

“I have a date.”

“Already back in the market?

She already closed the door behind her. She gave David a smile and wave as she got into her car. He didn’t know what came over him, but for that single moment she was the most beautiful person in the world -- not talking about in a romantic, sexual preference, but in a tone that speaks to what it means to be alive and in the moment. The way the streetlight bounced off her eyes as she walked away that night. 

David knew that would be the last time she would enter his life. 

It’s almost as if people are all free falling within the spaces of one another -- floating like wandering strangers, waiting to be discovered -- gasping for air. She was becoming reborn, disappearing from his conscious life, falling back into memory, just as the image of Sandra Bullock as she glides out of her space suit – transforming, fetal, as if reborn in zero gravity.

#43 Why So Angry? Podcast: What it Means to Look Into the Future


How do we move forward after a challenging year? With the new year coming with so many changes ahead, we stop to look into what's going on with ourselves. How the timelines of our lives shape our world view, and the motivation to make those everlasting changes.

TV, Tech & Topics: Instagram upgrades and Mandalorian season 2 so far.

Twitter/IG: @AlexAntonio0
Instagram: @WhySoAngryPod
Drum Solo by @jesse__giovanni
Outro Music by @theglitchmusic

#42 Why So Angry? Podcast: Self-Care, Stretched Thin, and the Need to Say No


The pandemic has brought forth numerous social dynamics to light, one of which is the conversation of access and how we manage relationships while still honoring our own needs. Mark jumps back onto the pod with his thoughts about self-care, running thin, and the need for some good ol quiet time!


Man Enough by Wayfarer Studios: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvR7DnpJczc&list=PLydocLe1pWNzpGIaD6GqHi8sDDW_rmx-R

Mark: @anthonyfin
Twitter/IG: @AlexAntonio0
Instagram: @WhySoAngryPod
Drum Solo by @jesse__giovanni
Outro Music by @theglitchmusic


#41 Why So Angry? Podcast: Imagination and the Ultimate Realization of Potential

Why do we promote imagination to our children? Why is creativity so important to innovation and problem-solving? Let's dive right into it! Join us as Alex gives his thoughts about achieving creative potential and the value of pursuing imaginative endeavors to attain fulfillment.

Twitter/IG: @AlexAntonio0
Instagram: @WhySoAngryPod
Drum Solo by @jesse__giovanni
Outro Music by @theglitchmusic


#40 Why So Angry? Podcast: Perspective, Reality, and a Fish Bowl

 We will be launching a series of solo reflections to gain some insight on topics such as creativity, self-awareness, and consciousness. We just want to sit down for some one-on-one time.

Today's episode looks at perspectives and the realization that our facts based point of view is never the full picture. Humans require socialization across multiple vantage points -- as much as we disagree, we need each other more than ever.

Twitter/IG: @AlexAntonio0
Instagram: @WhySoAngryPod
Drum Solo by @jesse__giovanni
Outro Music by @theglitchmusic 


#39 Why So Angry? Podcast: Consciousness, Podcasting, and the Void Between People

Communication and emotion is the bridge between human spaces. Today we explore this concept and how we use media, art, creativity, and the spoken/written word to try and bring each other together in the darkness. Alex and his long time collaborator Tonio go into this ultra introspective, at times existential, conversation to look at how they view the creative process as an expression of human consciousness. We go deep on this track!

#38 Why So Angry? Podcast: Presidential Election & the Lesser of Two Evils


We go all over the spectrum on today's episode! Our entry point will be the political election to define a generation. Alex and Jonathan take a high level view of what's at stake, with a little bit of commentary over social media censorship, free market capitalism, Mary Trump, and some conspiracy theories. This is why we make podcasts!

Twitter/IG: @AlexAntonio0
Instagram: @WhySoAngryPod
Jonathan IG: @jmhart1981
Drum Solo by @jesse__giovanni
Outro Music by @theglitchmusic


I Am Told, Therefore I Become

“Don't feel sorry for me. I did plenty of that. All the way growing up.” 
The reason why I've been reflecting on this subject is because Im trying to get a better understanding of who I am as an adult and how I am going to be as a parent and how not to continue the same failings that Ive experienced.
I wonder why I've struggled so much to get ahead of this world and why I feel so unsatisfied and I come to the realization that I've been hampered in a lot of my self development.
In school I've always been categorized as remedial, even having to take English as a second language when I was as young as kindergarten.
In high school i was immediately enrolled in "transitioning" courses --basically classes for under-performing students. I’ve never been considered for AP courses and, for the most part, held back a grade during my time in high school.
Then afterwards I went to community college instead of just shooting for higher --had terrible scores on my SATs.
So what I’m trying to say is that while it appears that I’m not performing well, it happens to be the system that tells me that I'm inefficient; therefore, as an adult, im always struggling to take a risk and really shoot for excellence.
I can tell myself to change my mentality, but it is near impossible to do that without understanding the lifetime of living in a world that told me that I am less than average.

#37 Why So Angry? Podcast: The Stigma of Men's Mental Health

The stigma of appearing weak and unstable is one that exhausts many-a-men in America. The pressures to perform at the highest level as leaders, without showing any flaws, has come as a long and weary obstacle that most adults have to face. This results in having to hide the pain and sadness to a point where it does more harm -- without seeking the attention needed. There are those that are trying to make a change for the better culturally. This episode talks about how openness isn't met with the warm reception needed -- validating the uphill battle those struggling must continuously face.

A bit of a disclaimer for this episode, a claim is stated that those with mental illness commit violence and crime. Mental illness is a serious issue in America, yet, it should not be confused with those who commit violence and crime have a mental illness. On the contrary, those suffering mental illness are in fact more likely to become a victim of domestic violence and abuse.

If you or someone close to you is suffering distress or crisis and are a danger to themselves, please contact suicidepreventionlifeline.org - 1-800-273-8255.

Undisputed with Skip & Shannon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5B3_9oRXXfI&t=2s

Twitter/IG: @AlexAntonio0
Instagram: @WhySoAngryPod
Drum Solo by @jesse__giovanni
Outro Music by @theglitchmusic

#36 Why So Angry? Podcast: The One Time I Started a Business

Setbacks are a part of life, but some resonate longer, and in some sense, define a life afterwards. Alex brings back Jonathan for an examination into what could have been a life changing opportunity to start their own entertainment company in Hollywood. Join our conversation as we dive into chasing a dream and finding the silver lining through adversity.

#35 Why So Angry? Podcast: Fatherhood and Starting a Family

It's not often you can talk the same thoughts and feelings with a close friend about big life events -- not to mention during a historic year. Alex brings on his guest host, Jonathan, to talk about their shared experience of being new fathers. Join us as we navigate what the future looks like for our little ones, as we cope with understanding what starting a family will take and what a "normal" life will soon look like for our children. 


Walking With Nothing, Hoping for Everything

I don't know how much left I have in me. I'm locked away with barely enough sunlight. I'm a man that didn't experience much of a life and now thrown into complete isolation while becoming a father. 

What are we left with if not the true authentic self? 

Every person needs to have a good shit story just to be able to break ice with people: "I just had to take a hot shit. You know those wet, peanut butter ones -- this shit has stickiness to it. I have to run the water so my wife doesn't have to hear the toilet splash -- It's steaming in there but then I realized there's no fuckin' toilet paper. So I'm trying to be quiet so to not wake the baby. Now I'm walking with nothing but my bare naked ass, stepping over strollers and toys and shit, feeling like I have a hot brownie shoved up my ass!"

Again, what are we left with if not the truest form of humanity?

This is My Story


I want to take this opening statement to better articulate what has been troubling me. I felt the need to write this down because my natural reaction to the question "how are you?" is always met with a quick "I'm fine." Now I know in most social settings, divulging all of your emotional weakness is most likely not the best place to do so. But there needs to be times to just lay it out there with no judgement.

First and foremost, my default emotion tends to be anger. One moment in my childhood, during a family visit to my aunt's in New York, I blew up in ferocious anger against one of my younger cousins, then preceded into a shouting match with my grandmother. No harm was done in the aftermath, yet I remember my mom telling me afterwards that my aunt observed in me that I carried around a tremendous amount of anger.

Now, my mother and I never really addressed this episode ever again. We did what we do with almost every other emotionally dynamic episode, we compartmentalized it. We never bothered to follow the breadcrumbs of that incident. Never once inquired in an open and honest conversation about what was the root cause of this anger. 

I love my mother to this day and would never try and take away that love for anything. Growing up she was a strict disciplinarian, and, as well as my father, ruled over their house hold with a belt if we ever got too far out of line. My father is a Pandora's box of emotional trauma to say the least. He immigrated from Mexico in his early 20s with no more than a high school education. I love him very much, but to say that he was emotionally underdeveloped is an understatement. For most of my childhood, he was diagnosed with chronic depression -- prescribed a litany of anti-depressants -- he let the cloud and fog dictate his personality and his ultimate relationship towards his children.

With that, I wish to share probably the most defining moment in my journey into adolescence. I call it defining because I remember this day as the moment my innocence for life died. 

One afternoon after school my father enter by bedroom appearing distraught. He seemed angered and, what I remember distinctly, on the verge of tears. I'm not sure how it happened but I knew that my parents were fighting again (which is strange in hindsight because my mother was still at work). 

I remember I was about 10 or 11 years old and I was in my bed watching tv. Then I remember my father walking in and started apologizing to me and what a failure he had become. He wanted to be more but that he couldn't be around us anymore. 
I remember distinctly my reaction to this and it was cold detachment. I didn't beg or plea or wonder why he was doing what he was doing, just that if he needed to do this then goodbye. I remember shedding a tear but that was it. I was already compartmentalizing the moment while it was happening. 

I don't even know what he said to my brother and sister because I didn't follow him out my bedroom door. My mom came home later that afternoon and I told her what happened. Her response was almost colder and with less emotion than mine. 

And that was it. For that day.

Then the next day came. I arrived home from school when my mother finished a phone call. She told me it was my Dad's sister. She just informed Mom that Tijuana PD had found my father in a park bench, about a mile from his car. Barely breathing, passed out with nothing on him but a few empty bottles of his medication. He was lucky that he only suffered a few days in a clinic in San Yasidro with pneumonia.

Mom that night made the long, lonely drive from our hometown north of Los Angeles to San Diego. And she made this drive without any of her children for support. She came back home and entered the house ahead of Dad. She wanted to warn us about who we were about to see and to be supportive. I did as I was told. When I saw him I remember him still wearing his nightgown and robes from the hospital. He looked so fragile and weak. He went to his bedroom to go immediately to sleep.

Mom then gathered my brother and I in my bedroom (my sister was with the sitter). She broke down in front of us and began criticizing us for not making the drive down to see our dad in the hospital and how terrible she felt making that drive to pick up her husband after what appeared to be a failed suicide.

All I remember of my response was that I was upset that he walked out on us and couldn't make any understanding why he did what he did. My brother started to cry about his fear of death and that this was the closest he'd been to seeing it first hand. I'd like to say that we found catharsis in that conversation but it was most likely boxed away again to never be spoken of. And as far as Dad goes, he's alive today, but the Father that I knew who walked out of that bedroom never returned home.

My final thought is this: I am a father now and I have an opportunity to write a different story for my son. However, in order to do this I have to know myself first; that requires uncovering more of these boxes stored deep in the past; it requires a deeper level of compassion and self love that I don't ever think I allowed myself to feel then and now. The self-loathing and hatred that almost feels as if it stems out of nowhere can all be attributed to this connection towards isolation and abandonment. I had to teach myself then that people will leave you and you will have to protect yourself at all costs. But this only self harms and will continue the destructive cycle onto my own children. 

My wife has been instrumental in teaching me a new way of viewing my own personal turmoil, my erratic emotions, and most importantly, my purpose in life. She has introduced me to the concept of grief and how it takes many forms (not just the literal death & loss of a loved one). I expressed how I felt as if on that fateful day I lost the only dad I ever knew, and through that experience, I have been grieving ever since and just never knew it. 

Here's to grounding myself in a new path towards freedom and happiness, and the ability to finally allow myself to heal again. Because it is not in the highs of life that we find meaning and worth, but in the deepest, most painful memories. It is in these Pandora boxes that the whole self is truly discovered.