#15 Why So Angry? Podcast: Nobel Peace Prize for Truth, Anxiety, and Joker

 


I have a ton of thoughts buzzing through my head, at almost every waking moment (and sometimes non-waking) of the day. So naturally, having some sort of overactive thought process can be a bit of a burden. Okay, in fact, its overbearing -- a lot of the times debilitating. When I as in my early 20s, I actually went to see a neurologist and was prescribed an MRI scan of my brain. The reason was actually for a condition I have with my shaky hands that, in hindsight, seems unrelated to any neurological disease -- but I was just to leave no stone unturned.

What I want to illustrate is that when I get a thought in my head, I have a hard time balancing different big ideas -- ideas of who I'm supposed to be, my identity of what I'm supposed to believe in, what I'm supposed to be ambitious and excited about -- just too many ideas that really are vastly different from one another; they all become like spinning plates, or huge bowls of water, teetering atop some long, 10 foot iron pole. I am stuck trying keep each idea spinning, preventing the bowls from crashing to pieces on the floor. Each time I fail to spin a pot fast enough, I suffer with the notion that I have witnessed some form of true potential fade away.

It is all in a multitude. What gets me stuck is that I can't commit to a single idea long enough -- and that bothers me; that makes me sad -- leaves me feeling empty, and tired and sad and lonely and fatigued. Sometimes I can feel my eyes filling up with tears of regret that I will never really become my full potential -- because I can't have my own authenticity. 

When I present an idea of thought, a single point of view, a simple equation of cause and effect, I realize that it is in this nature that our true potential comes into being. Basically, when there's so much going on, like some free radicals from an atomic source a billion times the size of the sun, do we now know how to conquer ourselves. It's right there just staring at you -- an idea out of the nebulous -- your power, your core, your ability in all its manifestation centralized around your ability to be within yourself.

So you see, that idea coming at you like a bullet, go ahead and acknowledge it. Just as Neo did in the Matrix, observing a wall of hot lead soaring in mid-space towards him. He sees every single moment and he's awakened. That's how I imagined my being when a terror of an emotional wave comes careening towards me -- or thoughts and self doubt, or rejection, or pain, or fear -- any single one of those cannonballs of ill will heading right towards every vital organ. It is then that you see what is unseen, that perfect tear in the fabric that reveals the wizard behind the curtains. The stage and play is discovered and we are not just the actors or the audience members, or the critics with their op-ed columns in The New Yorker. We are the entirety of it all.

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