My no surprise to anyone, I will admit that I have my own set of problems.
Why am I saying this?
Because the first rule to growth is to become bare with yourself. Change and improvement cannot happen with constant denial or hiding from the issue. So I take a look into the mirror and really take a deep assessment to find out what's going wrong.
Some would say that I am a bit of an emotional person, but not in terms of an overly sensitive "thinned-skinned" sort of personality. I would say that I have a bit of a temper problem--an inability to just let things go.
Now, I have to take a step back and explain that I am a even keeled, rational person that, say, doesn't fly off the handle when getting cut-off on the road--hell, I rarely honk the car horn.
I have a public persona that appears friendly, social, and calm in almost any public environment.
But that's not what I'm talking about. We all walk among each other with two very distinct notions of who we are; the mask that we put on for our day jobs. It is in my private moments when I tend to let my inner self rise to the surface.
I can't help but bring pain to the ones I love and it is not my intention to do so. It is as if I present my best version of myself to the entire world and at the end of the day -- out of sheer exhaustion -- I only offer the scraps of myself to those who truly deserve more.
And why is that? If I had the answer I'd definitely wouldn't be writing this now. Done, sealed, bring me the check and call it a day. So what gives?
The best answer I can offer right now is that I harbor ill feelings towards an invisible advesary. What I mean is that I hold tension within my spirit, this attitude about life that cannot be expressed in any other way besides pent up aggression.
I'm no scientist, but pressure that does not find release or escape can only build to the point of combustion. What you have now is something that is not so subtle and can cause damage to anything, or anyone, standing nearby.
This aggressive resentment has shown to be quite combustible towards my closest relationships. And when you add the extremely flammable elixir of alcohol, it becomes dangerous.
So there, in front of the entire Web--or at least to those who can read this message--I'm freely acknowledging that I have anger management issues. It is why I am so keen on finding avenues towards happiness and expression--and it is especially why I have found my calling towards writing.
This isn't as much of a hobby or passion as it is an effing prescription for myself. These pages and blank screens are the wet stone to sharpen the blade and release the tension between my bones. It is why I keep coming back to this page after sometime away. I know I take many of them along this journey but I know that I have to make the effort, or lose myself along the way.
I only hope that you will be there to listen.
Now that I have found my new vigor, I hope to be coming back soon. Take care friend and I'll be chatting with you soon.
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