I'm
battling with a lot, with everyone, like a chaotic mess --throwing
things around and making it crack and shatter into a thousand pieces of
something that was once good and right and beautiful. It's like I am
searching for the pain --like I want it to be violent and tragic and sad
and hurtful.
Sometimes I have a thought that come across my mind that says, "If I can just ease off the gas pedal and just
let the moment breathe." Yet, I become a man of conviction, all of a sudden, and I
need to dig my heels; this is what catches me in a lot of terrible conflicts
with other people, especially those that are closes. It's
like this tendency to tear the roof off of things and get a spotlight
on rotted flesh and get the meat and bones of this suffering pus like
orifice that needs to see a medic ASAP; the only way you're able to
remove the tumor from its deep rooted tendrils is by cutting deep. It's going to be a painful, festering wound. I'm
making the short term sacrifice for long term prosperity; right now,
I look like the bad guy.
If any of you are readers of The Watchmen, there is a
character that basically resembles a god. The character by the name of Dr. Manhattan --a big blue giant whenever he wants
to be --or he can make love to five different
women all at the same time while still creating the masterpiece of human
ingenuity. He is not evil. He's not bad. But he is neither a good person nor a hero in the sense that he fights for the side of humanity and (to get more
detail into it) America. He's
a being that is perceiving reality, all at one time, and can see and
understand and conceptualize infinity, beyond anything that resembles any form of intelligent life on this planet; he comes off as someone
that's cold and callous without heart.
Because
he lacks the ability to be in the moment, to really sink down into
the murk of human emotion -- which he lost that the moment he was destroyed him down to the single atom --he
lost all connection to what a human being is. Now, his super intelligence puts him so far beyond our ability to relate to
him.
He was Dr Manhattan. He was a god among men.
I'm not
trying to compare myself to Dr. Manhattan. Yet, I think it's when you
strive for some sort of higher level of consciousness, or higher level
of being, that you may be perceived as a dick due to the nature of not living in the
short term; you're not living in the here and now; you're living in the
time of infinite realities This isn't an apology or an excuse,
or a green light to be an asshole in your everyday life, because you're
thinking, "oh I'm being a god."
With that aside, I believe that it's a law of motion.
